sitting at a table in the cafe voltaire

champange with the chicken

Thu, 31 Dec 2009 20:26:58 GMT

happy Silvester, as they say in Germany:
same procedure as every year!
(it makes me titter no matter how many times i watch)

now sure if/how i'm celebrating this year.
possibly like this.

utterly failed in my massive BigCleaning plans.
i'm just going to go thru e/thing when i move now.
not quite the same but close enough.

i've got my planner ready to go for 2010: it's a notepad i got in tokio w/ white and red w/ german on it and makes me happy. it's a little larger than the moleskine i used this yr, but i'm still quite excited. also i've got more things lined up in 2010, so can use the extra room. like homework.
will also build in a nice section for (monthly?) to-do lists of all sorts. recipes to try, books to read, texts to write, projects to start, finish, create.
top of the list right now is find a new apt, considering i've already given notice to move out.

debating getting a pedometer for fun.

last nite i cut my hair too short.

this yr, compared to last yr especially, went swimmingly well for me.
(read: i can has job)
altho there were some stressful periods, they were mostly delightful times all around!
went to germany again! boston! the beach! such lovely people i have in my life.
at the same time, i got a little better at saying no, at hanging up, at shrugging off (read: i got bitchier).
i unhappily put on some happy pounds.

next year, i want to retake my mornings, at last.
my bad habits of my bad year have certainly followed me long enough!!
going to bed early is hard tho i realize now, when work is fulltime, life can feel like parttime.

we shall see how the ferocious year of the tiger treats us.

taking back monday

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 03:11:27 GMT

it's quite crazy thinking that this year ends on thursday.

home was lovely, almost surprisingly lovely.
it was a chocolate-covered christmas, if nothing else.
the ham worked out well (altho it was served at an awkward tepid temp) and had not turkey with which to compete. got to catch up w/ family and almost-family, and videogamed it w/ my brother, which was a lot of fun.

santa brought me an electric toothbrush: those are exciting things!

i epicly failed my driving test and am now on antibiotics again, which means no drinking for me this new year's eve!!!
not quite exciting.
am contemplating a quiet game nite evening w/ whomever i can muster. maybe. it would be nice to have midnite teatime. or s/thing like that. an alterblowout.

work is that year-end kind of busy, and my boss is slightly displeased w/ how i handled an interlibraryloan blunder.
today my knee caught on the edge of a drawer and i tore a hole in my favorite tights: the burgundy tights tego gave me last winter. immense sadness. truly!!!!!
miniboss has gotten to the point where he just totally ignores my "ouch"s or groans, unless there is a loud sound associated closely with it also.

preholiday: e/thing must go!

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 04:14:23 GMT

so tomorrow evening after work i'm hopping on a plane homewards, which is exciting.
on wed, i have a doc app at 930am which is less exciting, but it will get me out of the house and into errands mode: the main errand being TAKE THE DRIVING TEST, which MAY then allow me to run other errands in a greater capacity. but not really.

my room is now finally mostly clean. the bathroom is now clean. clothes now folded and put at least aside, if not away (altho it was mildly amusing to wallow in the knee-high and thus snowpocalypse-like piles of cloth that was my closet for the last 2wks).
when i get back, i'm going to have a great wipe-out in prep of the move that will hopefully soonish follow. (would it be unwise to give notice w/ my next rent while still totally unsure where i'm going next? it would feel really good at the moment, tho)
going to set aside the clothes i'll wear one last time then chuck into the goodwill bag (yah all those shirts that are too short, are just plain too short and i only own 1 skirt that i can hike up that high, and yah it's not an amazing look).
also propelling the move is the new coat rack i bought that just doesn't GO anywhere in my current set-up. if i'm going to have to completely rearrange my room, i might as well just move. also patrickneil got me an early xmas present that's also the perfect housewarming deco.

yah i'm quite excited for next wk, when i will not have to worry abt holiday shopping/crafting/etc anymore and can buckle down and conduct the yr-end "Big Cleaning" as it is called in japan, and start a new calandar and resolutions.

what i am admittedly still not excited abt is the idea of going back to school. ignoring therelic's sound advice, i'm at this moment still planning on taking as many courses online as possible. no pain no gain, is true, but.

library girl on fire

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 01:02:27 GMT

so i start library school next month.

pretty intense stuff.
exciting stuff.
i haven't looked at the schedule of courses yet and i have to email my new advisor and stuff.

hopefully this will be a good investment: 2 more yrs of my precious latter youth!

i really don't know what i'm doing up: wait, actually i do [or, a post in wh/ "really" is often repe

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 05:47:27 GMT

one of my friends noted that all of my recent fb posts have been negative, in one way or other (staying up this late does not really help that, does it). combo of residual work, cold, and holiday stress. today i decided to let some stuff go, so. it's an improvement.
really.

i really really really need to move. preferably s/where else on the red line. i'm considering rosslyn and that makes me sad.
but i need to move. soon.

a lot of the things i want, i know i either a) don't need, or b) don't actually want [wh/ i realize after i have been burdened w/ it]. but s/things, i really do.

things will be easier once i have a wkend to sleep in.
if i could take tomorrow off, i would. but i can't. also i left some random stuff at the office which i would want tomorrow, if i stayed home.
so it all works out.
mostly.

completely unrelated:
i love this product but it's s/what hard to find. if you find some, pls get it for me and i'll pay you back. really. my scalp will thank you.
really.

"later"

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 06:24:48 GMT

thnxgiving was now too long ago for me to care writing abt.
it was nice to be home. i found a few things i needed, did not find others.
the turkey came out succulent, the ham salty.
don't really want to write abt the clustercuss of my travel plans: let's just say i payed some massive idiot taxes.

tonite was the firm's holiday party.
we held it in our office, but that was actually really nice.
a nice open bar too, and the highlight cocktail of the evening: "pomegranate kir" (i can't say kir in a non-german accent btw), which was just pom juice w/ s/ bubbly. it was quite lovely.

i want to go to more holiday parties mainly bc i'm in love w/ my dress.

soliciting ideas for presents for the family.
this is the first year i can afford nice things, after all.
then again, considering the student debt i'm still in, maybe not.

thnxgiven: preview: last shot

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 06:31:03 GMT

apparently my apt is so sad, despite my tidying, that my mother refused to stay the nite.

more later.

yumdump

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 16:23:52 GMT

what i had left over in my fridge, 2days before i skip town:

-one takeout container-full of mac&chz w/ cabbage slices
-one large tupperware of cream cabbage shrimp stew (what happened to okonomiyaki-mistake)
-one takeout container-full of kabocha pumpkin sausage soup

i don't even know what to call the hash-stew created by the mixture of all three which i will now be eating until i leave. it's not bad! actually. this will make thnxgiving taste soooo much better tho, believe you me!

apropos nothing at all

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:49:03 GMT

Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that's lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.

one of my good friends who has known me a while said this WB Yeats poem reminded her of me. teehee.

in response, here's a diddy i vaguely remember from some really old rhyme book, your's til niagra falls.

beware of boys with eyes of blue,
they'll kiss you once and ask for two;
beware of boys with eyes of brown,
they'll kiss you once and turn you down;
beware of boys with eyes of green,
they'll kiss you once and then get mean...
in short, beware of boys!

randomly: i've broken out in hives for the 1st time ever and am mighty glad it's the wkend so i can nurse myself in peace.
the suckiest part is apparently i'm not allowed to take *hot* showers, which i LOVE and thrive from.... but is probably the cause of the new hives i got this morning. doh!!!!!!!

clap off

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 03:58:50 GMT

so it's fall and it gets dark early.

i haven't written in a while.
i thought of trying nanowrimo as a writing exersize but of course/obviously lacked the umph. also i got sick-ish. which is also my excuse for not going to the gym. and whatnot.
general slackmanship abounds.

a friend has helped me upgrade to win7, and i am trying to figure out how it works. i didn't back up all the things i need to, decided to make a clean sweep of it, and ended up losing all the drivers for my laptop. so now i'll have to go collect them too. it's like when i crashed my last laptop to a virus (more accurately, to my unsuccessful attempt to reformat to get rid of said virus). i'm not too concerned.

i'm getting a headstart on christmas shopping/ideas/etc this yr.
mainly b/c all of the stores one walks into these days will not allow you to forget that christmas is still about 50days away. why don't they sell adventskalendars that start on halloween??

if you don't live in the vicinity and would like me to send you a card next month, just email me your addy.
not to spoil the surprise, but i'm thinking about sending these. (mainly i'm linking for shameless promotion. if i'm actually product placing win7 on the dadabox, radioS totally gets a shoutout too).

today i've started handling my first "lost ILL (interlibrary loan)" incident at work, and altho miniboss says it's not a big deal, it's still a load of unfun. at least it's a pretty common book, unlike the out of print treatise from the 70s that miniboss apparently lost once.

all in all, all goes well, and in this moment i am happy.

an intro and outro and nothing sensible in between

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 03:46:12 GMT

today i went out to buy a cardigan and got 2 skirts instead, and paid about 5 times as much as i'd planned to spend.

but omg they are gorgeous skirts and fit like a dream and make me look and feel sharp as a tack that mated w/ a razorblade. they are now my bad-day clothes bc they make me feel instantly better. or my good-day clothes bc they enhance my awesomeness even more.
either way one of them is getting worn tomorrow.

now the question looms: w/ what do i wear them?????
one is gray w/ brownish streamlines and easier, the other one... is of unpinpointable color, due to its tweedness. black/blue w/ white? blue/black???

most of my tops are striped and make the outfit too busy, or not the right blue, or black, and certainly not sleek enough.

even less sleek: my shoes. OMG SHOES. i don't own a pair of closed-toed heels (b/c i decided that the pairs i got in little saigon are not suitable for skirts) that aren't my boots, some of which need to be resoled (which is s/thing i want for xmas, having my fav pairs of shoes resoled), and i feel these skirts demand heels. i suppose i could try wearing my highboots........ and i'm not sure if i have the right colored tights/socks.

........what it all boils down to is, i don't know what to write in my personal statement for my grad school app.

in which an overt thesis is lacking

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 03:21:00 GMT

the deadline which i thought was dec 1 is really more or less nov 1, so that means that i can probably take part in nanowrimo for the first time, and thus write for the first time since graduation. undergrad graduation.

ProjektGutenberg is quite wonderful.

my vision is getting worse, which is a frightening thought but so it goes.

upon reflection, it's quite remarkable, i find, how people become/stay my friend at the lack of communication i offer.

altho my new catchphrase is "i blame you", really i don't blame anyone [except ppl who go out of their way to be rude]. once i realized that all i really want is to get away w/ laziness, i decided to drop my demands on everyone else.
but then i remember scenes in which the best intentions crumble to ash, and think that s/times we all deserve breaks, and there are always limits.

short bursts: two nites of the three minute diddy

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 02:48:45 GMT

i went to a show on sunday and one on monday.

such awesome bands:
the raa
jetpacks!!
twilight sad

next wk, if i can get tix, this:
zombiezombiezombie

i've decided that i love shows, mainly b/c i love the feel of the music on my skin and dancing? physically responding to the rythym?
must definately devise a new way of dancing that involves less potential brain damage than my violent headshaking.
but it's so nice. i can dance by myself for myself, w/ no thought to wanting to attract an eye, or having to elbow away creeps. violent headshaking. it's quite stress-relieving, much more so than club-dancing i've decided. and i can wear flats for it!
....... and yet upon reflection, my head/skull-lining actually really fukking hurts.

on another note, i really want a laptop xylophone now.

what could this be on my sleeve

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 03:55:19 GMT

yesterday i did the silly thing of buying hand-wash-only/dryclean-only silk dresses for daily wear.

i went on a shopping spree partially to make myself feel better abt not being able to shop in ny.
right.
also perhaps bc i never seem to make it home. so instead i spend the amount of a train ticket on not a train ticket but on "stuff."

i don't like wearing work pants, ie slacks.
jeans are still ok. but not pants.
i'd like to wear skirts more in my casual life, but then on wkends i embrace my jeans time, so. also i feel awk and overdressed, which is weird.

my mother, who has a degree in home ec, used to sew skirts etc for friends on order in college.
she still shakes her fist e/time she cuts fabric b/c s/one had stolen her good scissors and switched them out w/ cheap ones. which can't be that bad considering she still uses them, 30yrs later.

on the chillier damper nites of late, i think about the boyfriend-sweater i once coveted that i left at home in the to-goodwill-bin, which makes me think of the oversized sweaters i preferred in my weird-child days, which i think have also gone the way of the goodwill-bin, but who can ever be sure. (i'm pretty sure i tossed the pink one.... the blue one could still be hiding s/where)
it's funny b/c i've decontextualized a lot of other boyfriend presents, but not the sweater. i had never washed it b/c there were still nooks and crannies in it that still carried a distinct smell of our first memories together.
now it probably just smells like closet.

i remember what i was wearing on a lot of the first dates that ended up mattering, or dresses or shirts bought with specific events in mind.
of course s/times there's the stains that always remind you. (ie. the fine mud splatter on the hem of a dress i bought in florence and wore in berlin on a rainy summer day deperate b/c my cell phone was fritzing as usual)

part of me would like to throw out all the clothes i've had since college (and before) and start all over again fresh and free.
a few items (overly-flattering t-shirts i would wear to parties in college) i know i'll never really wear again even if i keep, so i've been actively tossing those into my goodwill-bag.

commuting e/day, and being a mean girl, i like staring at ppl and thinking "i wonder who told her she could wear that" and i wonder if ppl think that abt me. most of me doesn't really care, as long as i'm being w/in reason. however i'm being more liberal in noticing the unflattering sleeves of certain things, or the unsatisfactory length of another, and toss, toss, out they go.

i'm debating returning one of the dresses:
http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=26650&vid=1&pid=620826
i wish more stores carried petite sections and stocked their minisizes more often.

....i could use a haircut.

monday is a harsh mistress

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 02:46:33 GMT

i love mornings that last until 6pm (albeit interrupted by a 2hr noontime ramble), esp when they include breakfast in bed [cinnamonbuns] and second breakfast [eggs and sausage], and more bed.
yis, i needed all of those naps.

the secret ingredients for sexy brunchy eggs: a splash white wine and a dash of jalapeno juice and a shake of sugar. it's really the wine.

it's getting to be baggy sweater lougewear weather again, in the evenings.

last weds was my 6mo anniversary at work, and brought w/ it a contract renewal.
boo extension in lack of benefits but yay extension in job at all.
however, yay new possibility of travel?

my new personality shift goal is to lessen my complaints.
it goes hand in hand w/ the passive aggressive thing.
it's hard, tho, b/c when i'm complaining, i think i'm merely stating facts, not spreading negative energy.

considering my low center of gravity, it amazes me how poor my balance is.

there's a fire

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 01:30:36 GMT

the central fire alarm for the building went off at 4, 5, and 545 am this morning.
it's in the hallway, so a pillow does much to block it out. but still i was none too pleased b/c it's not like i sleep w/ a pillow over both ears just in case.
it took the firemen 10mins or so to come turn it off.
i only got up the first time to look out the window.
abt a dozen ppl were huddled outside.
i assume they were the culprits.

uncanny in that i had just been musing that morning abt the apparent lack of sprinklers.
hm.

leaving the house this morn, my neighbors from down the hall left a desk beside my door, idek what was wrong w/ leaving it by their own door were it had been earlier yest, but it was already gone when i came home from work.

the lovely thing w/ long wkends, as has been said, is that it makes for short wks.

it's when i stop and think abt all the junk i ate this wk (ok, these past few wks... months?) that i miss my mommy.

so, concentrated evil will turn you into hermit crabs?

a year in some ways

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 03:22:37 GMT

i count my years from summer to summer, tan to tan.
suddenly morning and evening chill has snuck up on me, and the hot days feel like flukes, and i have a drawer full of tshirts i didn't get to wear this year.
the only consolation is the thought of the tights i can wear again soon.

i've been in my apt a full year and they've raised the rent.
it's still more or less worth it, i feel, and it's difficult to move when who knows what's happening next. i only know what's NOT happening.

i've been lying in bed lately rechewing and decontextualizing s/thing s/one said to me about where i belong [once belonged, perhaps, but actually never], then pulling close and pulling apart the places that will never belong to me, quiver and wish i could leave everything behind one day and just skip town without telling anyone and how refreshing that would be, to wipe the map clean.
part of me knows i never will as long as i'msensibly employed. part of me sees me opening curtains to a new skyline, walking down genetic contrete corners.

it's funny how i know the cure to escapism is grounding myself.
big picture, i say!

do i cry for joy or sorrow at this precarious vertigo.

we rule the school

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 03:25:07 GMT

so e/now and then as you well know i set up rules for myself that i follow for abt three days and stop.
here's another one of those nows.
maybe instead of rules they should be just called general aspirations.

-1130 is an ideal wknite bedtime, even better if screens (laptop/tv) are darkend at 1030.

-e/other lunch, gym/gre, back and forth.
(i hate it when my father is right: as soon as i stop exersizing, bellybellybelly. i blame his genes, but i could stop eating out as much, which brings us to the next hope-->)

-i have a budget and i'm stickin to it (this needs to be recalculated in an actual, constructive manner instead of my current numbers i picked b/c i thought they sounded reasonable).

-caspar and i had a thing going a few months ago about having 3tasks/day to accomplish, and we would keep tabs on e/other. if he failed, he had to do s/thing nice for me (ie vaccuum!!), and i had to do s/thing i didn't want to (eat spicy food). now he's picked it back up for himself, to get things done. i should do that too.
the trouble w/ todo lists is that one gets caught up in checking things off, but loses the big picture. therefore the new rule seems to be big-picture oriented tasks, not the daily dos.

being in a big-picture formative state, i need to really push myself to bring it into focus, before it's too late (which is not the right way to end the sent, "too late" b/c it's rarely ever too late, but sooner than later of course is the hope, esp for women).

to note s/thing positively accomplished, my floor has remained uncluttered for the last wk and a half.

bedtime!

say for me love

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 03:51:40 GMT

i wonder if there's a language out there in which the words for "mother" and "voice of reason" share a root, or are synonyms, or homophones, at least.

it is still very, very weird to discuss relationships even remotely w/ my mother, especially when the discussion is nestled in the topics of marriages or non-marriages.
it is very, very weird explainging "it's complicated" to her.
nooo mother, i'm NOT stalking him!

i was quite ill this morning and got to crash in the blue room to attempt to cure my green gills.

days like this make me realize how still very young i actually am.

the things i simply want to hear vs the things i need you to say

another one of those resolution revelation revolutions concerning ambition, or lackthereof

Tue, 18 Aug 2009 03:29:33 GMT

i need to buckle down and start making things happen.

i had an awful day today and my mother called but she really has no sympathy for whining, which is essentially what i've been upto.

today i moped, but tomorrow, ok, i'll sit down and actually do the stupid research project for which i foolishly i volunteered. the sooner i get it done and the sooner it's deemed bad, the sooner s/one else can fill in the gaps.

the things that are in my control: my spending, my gre-study, my job/school application aggression, my assertiveness.
maybe not so much my assertiveness, as much. hopefully better soon.

other todo: enroll in an interview-help class. possibly a gre-study class.

the things that are out of my hands.... well, at least i'll stop eating so much maybe.
the things i can't make go away, i can at least not think about. maybe.
this is still going to be a long wk, w/ unsteady ground beneith my feet.
but clouds are just as unstable as sinking sand, yo.

for once at least my room is clean. for real.
i really should probably move, sooner than later.

already predicting a hard winter of course they always are but tomorrow i shall sit in the sun and feel Apollo stroke my shoulders and nape and cheek and maybe that can be enough help clear my head, b/c whose other touch compares?

out, damned spot

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 22:24:58 GMT

so i ate out e/day this wk taking my brother about, and made up for it last nite walking from chinatown to foggybottom via the mall/memorial. but i still feel like a huge hunk of processed s/thing or other.

my brother made full use of my cable; tv and internet (watched hours of channels i never do, watched all of season3 of 30rock on hulu), so it's actually worth its money for a change. that's pretty much all he did during his brief stay.

today i locked myself out of the apartment with both my own key and the management office's spare key inside, and had to pay a shiny penny for the handyman to bust my doorknob and replace it w/ a knob that doesn't match any of my neighbors'.

i guess, all things considered, i've had enough good fun out and about these past several weeks, and therefore this is a sign that i should stay in for a bit.
and possibly eat more veggies.

must be the clouds in my eyes

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 03:02:51 GMT

so my brother is in town.
we've spent perhaps 5hrs together so far and already i have NO IDEA why i thought i would like him here.

my mother makes a point of reaching over and smoothing my brow when i'm home b/c it's constantly furrowed in his presence.

it does not help that i locked him up the whole day today. but he was still asleep when i called after lunch, so i don't feel too bad. he's more indecisive than i am. thus i've sworn to myself to be better about that b/c i want to shake him constantly.

my throat is in a constant state of constriction, as i only ever screetch at him.

he is convinced that my room is surrounded in some strange electromagnetic field. last time it took his phone, this time it's messing w/ his laptop. maybe that's why my laptop sux too.

we had a nice outing getting pizza together on wisc ave.
it's really weird speaking japanese again. the words come out of my mouth and idk where they come from.

ps.
he does not want to meet any of you.

Summer, summer, summer time to help us forget nine to fives

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 03:38:52 GMT

one of my bffs from home Jana wanted to go to take a beach-vacay, so i convinced dear afictionallife to invite us up, Caspar of course being our handy driver.
nobody really knew e/other except for me, and we all gel-ed so well.

i bought a ridiculous pair of pink! shortshorts for the occasion.
we ate well (and much) all weekend and drank lots and i created lovely wine/sherbert coolers.
serious rounds of Anagrams, sneaky sips, mild sunburns, and much aimless wanderings were to be had. i was at one point converted into a demanding pile of sand.
i robbed Jana of her smores-virginity.
we slept in real beds.
pizza, kites, lovely breakfasts, and frisbee tossing. coolers filled w/ the makings of sandwiches. floatational devices, thin walls, word games, entwined conversations and couches and coffee.
it was so very ridiculously relaxing, almost surreal and almost religious in my realization of how happy i was from moment to moment (admittedly especially after a few glasses of spiked sherbert).

to feel the sun engulfing.
to be just nestled in a cool bed of sand.

i have been so unbelievably lucky these past few wks of nites and wkends (real life).
how fortunate i am to have met these wonderful people to keep me company in these wonderful ways.

it was tricky, but i'll try again

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 02:03:35 GMT

spent the wkend up in MD w/ afictionallife, whom i don't get to see quite often enough.

i took the marc train up, which i had never done before: it's a sweet ride! if only they'd run them on the wkend, maybe one e/3hrs, even? pls?

a handful of highlites being sticky crepes w/ homemade butterscotch (omg so good), Away We Go, I DIDN'T BURN BREAKFAST, stuffed pizza, and wonderful luscious company.

i'm really quite pleased at myself for not having burned breakfast. houghn houghn houghn.

i think i'm addicted to escape.

to me it's just thin air

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 03:57:18 GMT

so a lot of things are moot at this point and i must stop thinking abt them.

amongst other things, is it worse to realize in the middle of the day that what you're wearing is horrendously unflattering, or at the end of the day once you've gotten home?

apparently it was really humid today but maybe i wasn't outside enough to notice physically, but it did dawn on me that last nite wasn't the best time ever to suddenly up and wash my bath mat and leave it hanging in the tub.

pests get really fkking angry when you try to blow them off, and that can be really awk when you have guests.
as in, omg i need more traps.

away away away